Numb

The capacity to feel pain is gone. The feeling of being overwhelmed is constant. What does he want? He knows. But he will always lie. Who is he? Now that is the question, for he does not know himself. To put it in other words, he fills his own cup, and he is happy. However, when he depends on others to fill it with happiness for him, the collective evil steals the good and fills him with the shit. Selfish fuckers. He lets them fill it up, sees it is not happiness and dumps it out, but then has his error when he extends his cup again. He needs to fill it by himself, with the happiness that he chooses, but he must first figure out who he is. What is happiness? It is fulfillment. It is a by-product, like motivation is a by-product of success. It doesn't make sense to him either, but he accepts it because he respects the teacher more than anyone else in the world. He lied about how he felt, of course. He wants more than he says, and he knows it is no secret. He lied about not feeling hurt, because the comments he heard have hurt him more than he has ever felt before. The pain he experiences is the only way he's sure it's not a dream. He chuckles to himself. Some part of his brain was concerned with the Nirvana Fallacy, his unending quest for his 'magic bullet.' The chuckle comes from the semi-suicidal notion that any ordinary bullet could be the actual 'magic bullet,' because that would end it. He dismisses the thought because it is foolish. He surrounds himself with lies, and liars, and untruths. No one knows who he truly is, as is his wish, so no one knows how to hurt him. This in turn hurts him more, however, because he has forgotten who he is as well. He relies on others to remind him, but they fill his cup with shit time and time again. He apologizes because he can't think of anything else to do. He's not the one to apologize, and he knows it. But there is nothing else to do. He knows there will be better. He feels it. He recognizes the intangibility of knowing what it will look like, so he clings to the notion of the impossible. It's a familiar strategy, he took it from his own cup. Someone gave it to him, misunderstanding that it's not shit. Happiness is overrated, and he knows it. Emotions escape, numbness overtakes.