Good Talk?

One must first be in chains, to appreciate freedom.
One must first be broken, to appreciate being whole.

I am confused. So I went to Elizabeth's house to try to talk things out. Perhaps things would make more sense after talking to a close friend who understands, right? I dunno. A lot of things happened. First off, Elizabeth shared some tequila and Lemonade something or other that tasted rather nice. The idea was to loosen up to talk about things that I really wouldn't have wanted to mention. However, I think things went a little too far. After a while, there was very little good conversation, or at least very little I remember. We got too drunk before we said anything truly deep, which is really unlike us. I guess things are just really difficult right now. It basically broke down into us spitting pointless things back and forth. "Oh, yeah, so I drunk texted this girl..." "Hahaha, no way?! She's disgusting, I hate her..." Not to say I didn't love it, because I did. I mean, we talked about everything. I just guess I'm sorta disappointed that I don't know anything more than I did when I went in. I have no clarity. I am still confused. Thank you, Elizabeth, for talking to me. I know I tend to be boring, and I say "Oh, another thing!" WAY TOO MUCH, but it really is nice to be able to go to you with anything. I still can't decide what it is that I want to do. I think I know what I want, but I actually kind of dislike that. Where have the good old naive days gone? I am pretty sure I wanted to write about something here, but I am still pretty buzzed, so I don't really remember. I don't know anything. We ended up talking about random celebrities that we would fuck. What the hell. Haha. And I did recount in rather sparse detail my summer between freshman and sophomore year of high school. I do know I was planning on telling ALL the details, but I ended up not really knowing what I was talking about, which is a good feeling I guess. I have to fall asleep soon, I've only gotten slightly more than an hour since last Sunday. I wish I had written more on here since then, but spirals and private thoughts have been dominating my brain. I wish I could just purge it all and start over. I would never do that though. I wouldn't trade a single minute for anything. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. Thank you? Hahaha. I am talking nonsensical babble now. Awesome. I love alcohol. It does the greatest of things. I wrote a poem, and I started watercoloring this really awesome picture where the sun is a lotus flower. Inspired by Cage the Elephant's "Lotus", I just had a vision of the sun as a flower and a fucked up world reaching up to it. I suck at surrealism, or some shit like that. The flower is perfect, so now I am having an extremely hard time painting anything else on the posterboard. Oh well. Oh, and if you read this, Elizabeth, please email those pictures you took of me. Hahaha. Those were awesome.

I am not happy, but I promise I'm not depressed. My life does not suck, but I hate several aspects of it. I am alone, and I wish I could fix that, but I can't. Believe it or not, I feel shy. I always have. I can understand how I'm not anti-social, but not how I'm not shy... I have to be one, if you really knew me you'd agree. By the way, I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I really like talking to you. Please don't stop.

I miss Denton. I don't know why. Maybe I miss being away, and the few friends I have up there. But I do miss it. Maybe it's being on my own. Which reminds me. I went to the Omni today, and I saw the Alps. It was breathtaking. I want to go to Switzerland now. Perhaps live a stint there. Maybe that's because I'd feel beyond isolated there? I'd really like some company though, just to share the beauty with me. Oh, speaking of moving, I've been having serious thoughts of transferring to University of California at Berkeley. They seem like a good astronomy school, and I'm just fascinated by the infiniteness of the universe I think. Tomorrow, for example, I'm going back to Fort Worth's museum to see Black Holes in the planetarium. I don't know what I would do (I have a hard time imagining myself seriously in any career) but astrophysicist seems fairly intriguing at this moment in time. We'll see how that holds up.

I don't know what the purpose of this post was. I guess it feels good to write again. I guess I regret not writing anything over the past few days. I have been really busy, but even at night when normal people sleep I haven't really written anything to post, and I feel sorta bad about that for whatever reason.