Night

I love when Night comes and drapes the earth in shadow,
And the sun disappears, leaving only the moon's glow.
As I stand and I watch the sky's beautiful hues,
I am enveloped in a world of blacks, purples, and blues.
I like to sit entranced and lost among the stars,
Only brought back (annoyed) by the sound of passing cars.
Trapped gazing off into the vastness of space,
I take deep breaths and I feel the cold embrace.
Invisible and hidden in my empty velvet veil,
I wish happy things, but my head is a jail.
So I lay in the dark and I think of my sorrows,
Hoping against hope and endless tomorrows,
For someone who cares, that I can hold tight,
But I am shadowed, concealed in my Night.
So I will lay by myself, staring at the abyss,
Wondering if, someday, my life will be bliss.
I seem so small against the infinite unknown,
Unseen, unfelt, but most of all, alone.

I just wanted a chance.

I don't know what to think. I'm sure you're sick of reading that. I don't know anything. I feel like shit. My life hates me. I am a broken person. I have never understood what 'heartbroken' meant before now. My heart has sunk, it is in my throat when I want to speak, and it is perpetually being ripped apart. I have never understood that before now. I have worked very hard to hide my emotions. I thrive in detachment. I haven't cried in years. But now I can't do anything without feeling right on the verge. How is it possible to keep letting the same thing hurt so much? I accept that I'm unwanted. Do I really have to rub my face in it? I mean seriously. I care so much. I can't imagine life without beauty. And in the words of Modest Mouse: "If life's not beautiful without the pain, well then I'd rather never ever even see beauty again." Except I don't care. I don't ever want to give it up. I would die a thousand painful deaths. Or suffer slow torture for the chance. The chance I can't have. The chance I gave up on getting. But it's still about the chance, apparently. I've been trying to avoid words like disappointment, but that's what this is becoming. More than wanting to be held, I just want to exist. Deny me that too. Please, I love being dirt.

So now I look to you. My beautiful friend. My only hope. My stranger. Who are you? Can I get to know you better? Will you care about me as much as I care about you? Fuck. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm sorry, my stranger, because I know that this is repetitive and shitty. I want someone to talk to. And here you are, and you don't even blame me for anything. Tell me, who are you?

You came to me. Always remember that. And now it is my turn. Can I come to you?

Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck us all. This life's only temporary anyways. Why would we spoil it with sharing or good things. I feel fucking ridiculous for ever caring, yet that's what I still do. It hurts me more than all of your rejections to hear you say you don't care. Because I still do. More than ever I do.

Good Talk?

One must first be in chains, to appreciate freedom.
One must first be broken, to appreciate being whole.

I am confused. So I went to Elizabeth's house to try to talk things out. Perhaps things would make more sense after talking to a close friend who understands, right? I dunno. A lot of things happened. First off, Elizabeth shared some tequila and Lemonade something or other that tasted rather nice. The idea was to loosen up to talk about things that I really wouldn't have wanted to mention. However, I think things went a little too far. After a while, there was very little good conversation, or at least very little I remember. We got too drunk before we said anything truly deep, which is really unlike us. I guess things are just really difficult right now. It basically broke down into us spitting pointless things back and forth. "Oh, yeah, so I drunk texted this girl..." "Hahaha, no way?! She's disgusting, I hate her..." Not to say I didn't love it, because I did. I mean, we talked about everything. I just guess I'm sorta disappointed that I don't know anything more than I did when I went in. I have no clarity. I am still confused. Thank you, Elizabeth, for talking to me. I know I tend to be boring, and I say "Oh, another thing!" WAY TOO MUCH, but it really is nice to be able to go to you with anything. I still can't decide what it is that I want to do. I think I know what I want, but I actually kind of dislike that. Where have the good old naive days gone? I am pretty sure I wanted to write about something here, but I am still pretty buzzed, so I don't really remember. I don't know anything. We ended up talking about random celebrities that we would fuck. What the hell. Haha. And I did recount in rather sparse detail my summer between freshman and sophomore year of high school. I do know I was planning on telling ALL the details, but I ended up not really knowing what I was talking about, which is a good feeling I guess. I have to fall asleep soon, I've only gotten slightly more than an hour since last Sunday. I wish I had written more on here since then, but spirals and private thoughts have been dominating my brain. I wish I could just purge it all and start over. I would never do that though. I wouldn't trade a single minute for anything. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. Thank you? Hahaha. I am talking nonsensical babble now. Awesome. I love alcohol. It does the greatest of things. I wrote a poem, and I started watercoloring this really awesome picture where the sun is a lotus flower. Inspired by Cage the Elephant's "Lotus", I just had a vision of the sun as a flower and a fucked up world reaching up to it. I suck at surrealism, or some shit like that. The flower is perfect, so now I am having an extremely hard time painting anything else on the posterboard. Oh well. Oh, and if you read this, Elizabeth, please email those pictures you took of me. Hahaha. Those were awesome.

I am not happy, but I promise I'm not depressed. My life does not suck, but I hate several aspects of it. I am alone, and I wish I could fix that, but I can't. Believe it or not, I feel shy. I always have. I can understand how I'm not anti-social, but not how I'm not shy... I have to be one, if you really knew me you'd agree. By the way, I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I really like talking to you. Please don't stop.

I miss Denton. I don't know why. Maybe I miss being away, and the few friends I have up there. But I do miss it. Maybe it's being on my own. Which reminds me. I went to the Omni today, and I saw the Alps. It was breathtaking. I want to go to Switzerland now. Perhaps live a stint there. Maybe that's because I'd feel beyond isolated there? I'd really like some company though, just to share the beauty with me. Oh, speaking of moving, I've been having serious thoughts of transferring to University of California at Berkeley. They seem like a good astronomy school, and I'm just fascinated by the infiniteness of the universe I think. Tomorrow, for example, I'm going back to Fort Worth's museum to see Black Holes in the planetarium. I don't know what I would do (I have a hard time imagining myself seriously in any career) but astrophysicist seems fairly intriguing at this moment in time. We'll see how that holds up.

I don't know what the purpose of this post was. I guess it feels good to write again. I guess I regret not writing anything over the past few days. I have been really busy, but even at night when normal people sleep I haven't really written anything to post, and I feel sorta bad about that for whatever reason.

Don't Touch Me Now

This fucking song... Someone very close to me tried to not give me advice. And I was reminded of lyrics. From this song. I'm always reminded of the lyrics in this song. It shows up all the time in my writing. You, oh dear stranger, thankfully you would not know this. You can take my word though, I love each line of this song. It is wonderful.



I Can Barely Breathe

When the dark flood came,
We wrapped ourselves inside a dirty blanket
Citing different opinions
On whether we should move.

When the houses came,
They ate up everyone like they were fishes
Saying, "Come on, come on,
It's the end of the world."

And then I saw your face,
You're turning skin into a dirty secret.
I watched the beauties, watched the fire,
And the fire burn the beauty in their eyes.

When I took the blame,
We laid in ruins trying to quote your phrase,
We're yelling, "Someone's got the answers,
But I'd rather think there's nothing to be found."

If you knew I was dying would it change you?
If you knew I was dying would it change?
If you knew I was dying would it change you?
If you knew I was dying would it change anything?

So when you see me falling backwards down the wall that says I'm still alive,
Don't be cautious when I'm cautiously approaching on the other side.
Everybody has their reasons, that's the reason we're all gonna die,
Because if seeing is believing, then believe that we have lost our eyes.

'Cause when I fly solo, I fly so high.
When I fly solo, I fly so high.
'Cause when I fly solo, I fly so high.
'Cause when I fly solo, I fly so high, I fly so high.
Don't touch me now.

We all deserve, we all deserve something.

Merry Fucking Christmas

Well, let's see. If today is technically Friday than that means it's the fifth day I've been without sleep. I have done nothing but think, or write, or think some more, and I absofuckinglutely hate every single thought inside my head. I am not a good thinker. It's Christmas, and my whole extended family was over, and all of them got the impression that I was down. No! You think?! Fucking hate Christmas. Mostly because of this year.

Good notes? Sure, there are a few. My cousin Caleb and I played Mario Kart Wii for thirty-two races in a row, just so we could win a stupid fucking virtual trophy. Hooray. It was pretty fun while we were losing, but then we figured out how to use ourselves better as a team and dominated. Winning everything made it lose its luster. The snow was awesome. Nothing to take my mind off shit than a no holds-barred snowball fight. We threw one snowball back and forth twenty-five times without breaking it. And then the basketball. Oh, how I missed frozen iceketball. Final score, three to two. Brutal, brutal sports. I love being cold.

It was actually kind of nice, to feel physically numb everywhere. I love how my body reacts to the cold weather. Blood vessels constrict, heart rate slows down as I relax, headache subsides (minorly), and I can not think for a while. The good feeling of emptiness, literal icy cold, utter helplessness, of fear of succumbing to the weather, I like it. Now if I could get my nonphysical self to become and then stay numb I would be fine. Detachment is my virtue. More like detachment is what hurts me, but it is the only way I survive.

I still hate myself. I cannot sleep. Even when I'm thinking of nothing, I'm still thinking of it. My head wants to believe better will come, but my heart is through. I am giving up, again. Nothing will ever be golden for long. Nothing ever ends well, otherwise it wouldn't end. Hopefully, this is not the end. Hopefully, it is a beginning. A beginning of what, I don't know. I was reminded of backpacking today. Complete loneliness. The awe of being totally alone and at the mercy of nature. The beauty that only I can appreciate, because I was the one that carried my hundred pound pack the miles and miles into the terrible isolation to witness it. I am the only one to have ever seen it as I did. Pictures truly don't do justice. The panic when something tiny goes wrong and could potentially mean a long and painful death makes you feel alive. The feeling of being stranded, in the unknown. It's almost like thinking, ironically, except without being in my head. My head is focused solely on one thing out there; living five more minutes. Cody, Nick, and I are going to go backpacking. Soon. Maybe Caleb and / or Scott would come. I really think I'd prefer a solo, though. To be completely shut off. I do miss backpacking.

I am giving up again. I am sick of trying, and of being destroyed. I don't deny I want the warmth, but it's not fucking happening. I won't let it ever get so close again. I need to relax. I need to exist. Do I exist?

"To be truly cold was to doubt whether you would ever feel warm."

I have been so frustrated over the last few days. I wrote something, but it disappointed me. I even posted it. I hope no one read it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so crushed and stupid at the same time. I just want everything to be fine. I can’t live like this. I am intensely upset with myself. I don’t mean half of what I know I’ve been doing, and I feel really bad about how I’ve been dealing with my life. Everything is fucked up. I am sorry to everyone, but I wish I wasn’t sorry to anyone. I can’t do anything right. I thought I could try to fix some of my problems, but I couldn’t. I think I am too late. I can’t figure this out. I hate myself. Everyday. People have tried to give me advice, but honestly, fuck them. I am insane. I am crazy. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I may not know what I’m doing, but I do know when someone is dead wrong. I think I still have a few friends, but that’s unknown. I really wish I could just hold close and provide comfort and make everything okay. I’m sorry I’m too scared to reply. I don’t know what I would say. I don’t want it to end. I really hate myself for that. Fuck this, I can’t write anymore. I can’t do anything.

Confusion

I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't know what I'm doing. I am scared. I miss being an asshole to everyone. I miss not caring. At the same time, I wish I was nice to everyone. I don't understand. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want to happen. I don't know what I want period.

Fuck

I'm sick of college. Not that I don't like learning, that nobody tells you anything. I have no idea what I'm doing. Literally. None. And then the fact that everyone expects me to automatically know how to handle every complicated procedure that I've never heard of by myself is really fucking annoying. I had to talk to seven people before one of them finally gave me the four-digit code allowing me to register for the next semester... By then I had almost missed the registration deadline. And then, nobody tells you anything about what you're doing. I didn't even know there was a separate website you had visit to pay for housing... I just let them become late ($15 fee) and paid from the website I did know. I don't have any money, but the second half of my loan comes in sometime (they don't tell me when) next Spring. However, I just checked online and the website says that I owe $3,700 or something due the 15th of December. What the fuck? When did that happen? I read what it was, and it's all for next semester. Why does it want it now? I'm really fucking sick of nobody wanting to do anything to help. I can't fucking do this alone, I've never done it before.

A Change in Step

Good news: I bought the student copy of Windows 7 Ultimate and reformatted my laptop. With the exception of Microsoft Office, I am back in business. I must say I like it quite a bit. :) I am not quite sure why it is I tell the internet this, especially since writing about random things like this that don't mean anything is extremely annoying to me. I am sorry for that.

I noticed that I keep my head down when I walk, and I compulsively count my steps and avoid cracks. It's extremely odd. I had never really noticed I did that before. Today I made a conscious effort not to care about where I stepped, which resulted in me walking around with my head up, and I saw things I haven't noticed before. There are two trees I pass every day going to one class, and I never noticed how pretty they were. They're right next to each other, wonderful opposites, and I have walked right by them all year without noticing. Tomorrow I am going to take a picture of them and post them as an edit onto this post. Stupid as it may sound, it's kinda mind boggling to me to notice something like that for the first time.

One of my other strange compulsions is analyzing idiosyncrasies. After a couple of days with people, I know a lot of their unique idiosyncrasies. I like learning them. I know only a few of my own, though. It's pretty cool I guess.

Actually, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Ha. I like not knowing things like that. Oh well. The tree thing was pretty interesting, at least I thought so. I'll still put up the pictures, as long as I remember.

Two Riddles

One of these has an answer I know. The other I can't figure out. I'm not really sure what to write, so I just opened my spiral and this was what I happened to flip to. What is it?

I've been around the world. I've seen a million things.
I've fought in countless wars, and dined with many kings.
I've seen the northern lights. I've counted all the stars.
I've been through Saturn's rings, I started life on Mars.
I'm fluent in every language, I've tasted each cuisine.
I've stayed in every palace, and lived what people dream.
I was there when it began, and I know when it will end.
My only enemy is man, yet you are still my dearest friend.
I invented evolution. I gave you your first breath.
I was there at your conception and I'll be there for your death.

I honestly have no idea what that one is. It puzzles me. I do know the answer to this one, however.

Four men sat down to play.
They played all night 'till break of day.
They played for gold and not for fun,
With separate scores for everyone.
But when they came to square accounts,
They all had made quite fair amounts.
Can you this paradox explain?
If no one lost how could all gain?

That is a good one. Haha. Anyways, I think I am done for the night. I've been reading some. Just trying to find an escape, really. Ha. My phone is back in order, but I'm still working on the computer... I guess that's all there is to say.

I don't have a title for this.

So… I haven’t written online in a while. Let me catch you up really fast. Playing basketball was fun. I miss running the floor and the satisfaction of making good plays. I think that somehow, without playing, I have improved. Also, I left my phone charger in Denton (again), so I’m really out of the loop. And of course, the single factor that has caused me not to write, my computer has started fucking up. As of now, I am copying all of my files to my other computer (which I haven’t used or even plugged in for a couple of years). Ironically, I am writing this post in a word document on that computer, which I assume I have transferred over and posted before my laptop crashes again if you are reading this. So yeah, that’s pretty much the reason I haven’t written anything lately, although what I still did write in my spiral made me fucking angry, and will not be posted. But I digress. This weekend was really not my fucking weekend. I feel pretty shitty right about now. Starting off, I got the worst haircut I have ever seen, with the most obnoxious bitch of a lady who didn’t listen to me at all before chopping four inches off the front. Way to fucking ruin it before you even started. I can’t wait for it to grow back. I’m not gonna lie, Friday was a pretty good day. We got some Henna that turned out pretty good. I can’t really think of anything else, but I liked Friday a lot. I think I’m a bit biased towards writing the “my life sucks” and “I hated this weekend” right now because the end of the weekend wasn’t particularly pleasant. Saturday was not too good, although it wasn’t very eventful, either. I did get to drink at the end of the night. Then, let’s see, on Sunday Scott acknowledged that I “probably resented” him and Mom for never trusting me, and said that he believes what I tell him now, and I am “allowed” to have “people” (read: Macey) over at the house again. Bullshit. She already hates my mother, which makes me kinda mad at my mom. So basically Scott conceded, but it’s too late because I don’t think Macey would ever want to come over anymore anyways. The rest of Sunday seemed pretty good, but for some reason I am not happy with exactly how it ended. Also, Elizabeth is in town, but I didn’t see her all weekend because of my phucking phone phail. That is less of an angry note, however, because next week I will have my charger, and we will rectify this wrong. I’m sorry, Elizabeth, I couldn’t contact you without technology. Ha. I really want to have one of our patented deep discussions right about now. At this second, I am frantically copying all of my files over from my laptop to my old desktop, one gigabyte at a time (approximately sixty total). I can’t find my Windows disc, so I’m doubting I’ll be able to wipe my laptop soon. It turns on fine, but then after ten or so minutes it just stops doing anything. I can move the mouse but my clicks mean nothing. The problem is, after each restart, the time I actually can control things gets shorter, and after a wipe I won’t be able to recover anything I might have forgotten to copy. It’s inevitable that some memory will be lost forever. And music is going to be a bitch to copy a gigabyte at a time… Today I also registered for next semester (on the last day of early registration). I am taking fourteen hours, and I kinda like my schedule. However, I still don’t have credit for the almost thirty hours that I am exempt from due to AP / TCC credits. I’m enrolled in a math class that is two levels below what I’ve already passed… Talk about a fucking waste of money. My other classes are classes that intrigue me, although none can really be used for anything. I didn’t want to risk the possibility of “overwriting” the credits that I will eventually get recognized as already having. I need a major. Also, I have just recalled that I have to take defensive driving online in the next week. Damn.

I already hate this post, and I feel genuinely sorry if you’ve read this far. I need to vent, but I can’t bring myself to let out what burns my insides with the white hot intensity of a hundred suns. Maybe some other time I’ll let some of it out, but don’t hold your breath, random internet reader, as this still feels pretty fucking strange to me. Get me out of this fucking holiday season and give me my normal life back. I miss thinking everything was fine, or not thinking at all. Why is there so much that always goes wrong? And why does it seem like I’m always on the losing end? My schedule for next semester has been set up specifically so I can try to find a job, because money is starting to become an issue. I am constantly reminded that I have no income. I hate feeling lazy, but there’s not much I can do. Yeah, I pretty much regret writing this. There really isn’t a point here. I’m just randomly wandering around in my head while I wait for the last three or so electronic years of my life to copy. I hate thinking. It almost always ends in over-analyzation, pain, or both. I suppose I could assess my emotions, even if that’s something I don’t generally enjoy. I am upset, hurt, disappointed, angry, sad, regretful, hopeful, and indifferent. That’s quite the fucking grab bag of feelings. I should stop writing now, but I’m not done. I am done making an ass of myself, at least for tonight though. If anyone wants to talk, please do. I would love to hear other thoughts, if just to dwell in another world for a little while.

Why was I happy?

Well... the list is done... I must say I'm a little disappointed. I believe that is ironic? To be disappointed with a list of the things that made me happy? Haha. Anyways... I had a pretty shitty day Wednesday, so nothing made me happy, and that makes the list significantly shorter - at least, I hope. Maybe Friday is just my happy day. It just seems like this is quite lacking for a list that I was reasonably excited about making all week. Oh well.

• Walking into the perfume store and knowing something the salesman didn't
• Beating Bradley in a 3-point shooting contest by shooting a perfect round
• Ashley's friend complimenting my eyes
• Destroying Brad (Orlando Magic) with Steve Nash (Phoenix Suns) in NBA2K9 for X-Box 360
• Texting Taryn during Biology
  
• Doing Brad's math homework in exchange for McDoland's
• Writing in my spiral
• Talking to the dude at the soda fountain
• Heather kicking me in Biology
• Seeing the comments on my last post (Thank you, haha)
• Clint in government: "I know hypotheticals are annoying, but I wonder if..."
• Hanging out with Macey Thursday night because I don't have class Friday
  

Well... That's it... I was kinda thinking it would explode into a huge list and I would realize that a ton of shit makes me happy, but this really wasn't the case. I'm pretty sure this was like, one of the happiest weeks I can remember in a while, but there again wasn't much to make it so. Haha. I know I don't like the feeling I have about the next few weeks, but then again, maybe things will look up. I'm just not a Christmas person, especially after getting shot on my birthday... Ha. Generally, I hate Christmas and all the fucking fake cheer that everyone has. If I could be Scrooge, I totally would. I don't really want to end on a downer... so I'll finish up by stating my plans for tomorrow morning in an epic "NOBODY CARES BUT IT'S NOT UNHAPPY!" bit I'll call... "NOBODY CARES BUT IT'S NOT UNHAPPY!" I know, I'm creative, right?

NOBODY CARES BUT IT'S NOT UNHAPPY!
Tomorrow morning, Bradley and I are going to surprise my dad and his friends by showing up to their weekly basketball game and violently raping them. Yes, the bold and italics were necessary. I don't think anyone understands how badly we are going to beat them. Then, I plan to take my shoes to the mall to try to exchange them for the ones I was wanting. And finally, I think it's about time I got my haircut. The line I've been using to keep it long just isn't as funny anymore, and now it's so long it routinely gets stuck in my eyes (which burns). I'm not sure how I'm planning to get it cut, but hey, it'll be better. I'm quite due for a trim.

What's in a thought?

One of the strangest things about writing a blog is not the openness, but rather the privacy. Since starting, I have found that it is difficult to sit down each night to begin a post. However, once I just pick a thought and begin to develop it, I feel like I could run with it forever. It's incredibly easy to write after the first few sentences. I have realized a flaw, though. Each time I write a sentence for this blog, it seems like I write two to four sentences in a private spiral for no one else to read. That's kind of against the point... but it feels good. I like it. In order to more fully develop my thoughts, I have started just writing my posts beforehand in my spiral, where I can take a bunch of random tangents and fill in the margins and empty spaces with non-contiguous doodles, quotes, or whatever. It's also a very satisfying feeling to physically write. I feel very good about myself, and I'm quite impressed with how much I can write (The new pen I have that I only use to write in my spirals is almost completely out of ink). It's unfortunate that I still guard some secret thoughts so closely, as expressing even menial and meandering thoughts such as the ones in this post fills me with a sense of accomplishment - and relief, to some degree. I can't imagine how much better I would feel if I got rid of all of them. The floodgates opened, the world is drenched in a terrible flood that kills many. But when the water level recedes, and the people rebuild, the land is fertile and new. With all that said, (and the post I had originally intended to write still to come, haha) I want to share what made my day today. In Biology, as I reached for my "Happy Things" spiral to jot down some quick additions to the list, I accidentally hit Heather's leg. And then again, when I was opening my bag. I quickly apologized, but she jokingly kicked me and pretended to make a big deal about it. It was funny. And then at dinner, some black guy came to the soda-fountain next to me and started filling up his cup with Blue Powerade... except it was clear. He just sorta gave me a glance, and I said "y'know... that doesn't exactly look too blue to me..." and we both started laughing. I talked to a stranger, and laughed. Ha. It was cool. Those are both on my "Happy Things" list, which I plan to post later, but they needed more explaining now. They probably seem pretty stupid, but they made me laugh.

Now - to post what I originally wanted to. Greek Mythology fascinates me. There's no way this will be my only post regarding it, and because I've already written so much tonight I don't think I'm going to fully develop my thoughts. Although I can't imagine much to say... haha. Oh well, if I think of more, I guess I'll re-post. Anyways, I've been reading a book on Mythology, and how the Greeks interpreted the beginning of everything. Basically, before men and gods, there were Titans and monsters and all kinds of shit. And before them was Chaos, which was a vast and immeasurable abyss that was infinitely dark and wild. But somehow, Chaos had two children, Night and Erebus. Erebus is the unfathomable depth were death dwells, and night is, well, night. The entire universe was nothing, everything was black, empty, silent, and endless. But then the most remarkable and unexpected thing happened.

"...Black-winged Night
Into the bosom of Erebus dark and deep
Laid a wind-born egg, and as the seasons rolled
Forth sprang Love, the longed-for, shining, with
wings of gold."

In simpler English, "From darkness and from death Love was born, and with its birth, order and beauty began to banish blind confusion. Love created Light with its companion, radiant Day."

I just can't get over how amazing the Ancient Greeks were. Think about it. Love was created before Light. That would explain why Love is blind. And Love was created from Erebus (death) and Night (blackness and confusion), who both came from Chaos. That explains so much. I just find it remarkable how the Ancient Greeks could have a feeling and evolve a story around it; especially one that explains in such great detail, and with such minute perfection, that whoever hears it suddenly feels enlightened. The only addition I can think to add to that is a quote from Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk:

"Experts in Ancient Greek culture say that people back then didn't see their thoughts as belonging to them. When Ancient Greeks had a thought, it occurred to them as a god or goddess giving an order. Apollo was telling them to be brave. Athena was telling them to fall in love. Now people hear a commercial for sour cream potato chips and rush out to buy, but now they call this free will. At least the Ancient Greeks were being honest."

What am I doing?

I just realized that I have no idea what I'm writing this blog for. It's not like many people will read it, and it's not like anyone would care what I have to say. I have some things that I've been writing about, but they DEFINITELY will not be posted in public. Like last night, as soon as I posted my last entry, I cracked open my spiral and wrote a solid page without stopping. Maybe it just loosens me up for the really emotional writing, but this blog doesn't really seem to serve a point. It's not just the blog that is unsure, though. I have no idea what I'm doing in life. I don't know what I want to be anymore, I don't have any dreams or goals, and I don't know why I am where I am.

Also, I'm unsure about myself. I don't know why I keep choosing to stick around everyone. I don't have to take shit from anyone. Usually I don't. But for some reason, I just don't want to leave at all. I don't know why. I don't know what I want. I need to meet some new people, but I am extremely content with the people I already know, and it's already hard enough to keep in touch with more than just my top three. I wish some things would change, and maybe they will, but that is all still irrelevant, as I need to meet some fresh new people.

I think I will keep a journal of all of the little things that make me happy each day, and at the end of the week I'll post it. That might be my first good idea since I've started this blog. Hopefully if I look back on all of the things that make me happy, I'll get a better idea about what it is I want.

Why am I so happy?

I don't really have that much to be happy about currently, but for some reason I am. I am very happy. No, I am extremely fucking happy. I have no idea why. And the truth is, I don't really care. It's a great feeling. When I think back on this last weekend, I realize nothing good happened, in fact, there were some bad events. And I'm not at peace. By all means, I'm not. Haha. But for reasons absolutely unknown to me, I am very happy. :)

I just thought I might write some quotes down here now.

"Center of equal daughters, equal sons,
All, all alike endeared, grown, ungrown, young or old,
Strong, ample, fair, enduring, capable, rich,
Perennial with the earth, with freedom, law, and love,
A grand, sane, towering, seated Mother,
Chaired in the adamant of Time."
-Walt Whitman, "America"

"Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be."
-Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

"I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center."
-Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

"You know you're in love when you see the world in her eyes, and her eyes everywhere in the world."
-David Levesque

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."
-Ernest Hemingway

"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, y'know?"
-Ernest Hemingway

"All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really happened and after you are finished reading one you will feel that all that happened to you and afterwards that it all belongs to you: the good and the bad, the ecstasy, the remorse and sorrow, the people and the places and how the weather was."
-Ernest Hemingway

"I drink to make other people more interesting."
-Ernest Hemingway

"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know."
-Ernest Hemingway

"The first draft of anything is shit."
-Ernest Hemingway

"Write drunk; edit sober."
-Ernest Hemingway

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
-Ernest Hemingway

"A learning experience is one of those things that says, "You know that thing you just did? Yeah, don't do that."
-Douglas Adams

Uhh... That's quite a few... Ha. I have plenty more. I got a little carried away with my Hemingway quotes... There will be more later, as this post is already probably really boring. I'm still waiting for my first significant big post, Macey, Juan, and Elizabeth all have one already, but I have had a strange spell where I haven't felt like writing too much. I will fix this, and say something relevant soon enough. :)

So basically, suffice it to say, I'm happy, and I don't care about anything too much. It's a great feeling. Have a good week, everyone.

What is beautiful?

So, I don't really have much to say tonight, which isn't really a surprise. I want to make it a point to write more often though, so I did want to post something, even if it is just short and sweet. Basically, nothing offends me more sometimes than insincere words. I hate hearing people say things they don't mean. Not that I don't love sarcasm, I do, but people tend to overuse some words, and they seem to me to lose value. I have only recently realized that I am very odd for my choice of words, and once I pick one, I generally stick to it, as it's what I think. I do recognize however, that sometimes people end up only hearing me use one or two words. Therefore, they might never figure out exactly how much or little I value the word.

With all that said, I thought I might explain how I look at beauty. I'm pretty sure most guys would agree with me, as well.

Cute - Slight, but still a compliment, and permanent. Cute can also describe habits that I really like, for some reason.
Hot - Medium and sexual, but temporary.
Pretty - High, permanent beauty.
Sexy - High, but sexual, and therefore slightly stronger, but temporary.
Beautiful - The Highest. Extremely rare and permanent.

I don't know what purpose that serves, but it's a good example of words I choose extremely carefully. These apply to both appearance and personality, and they are just about as rare in both senses.

What would I write about?

Everyone I know (which is not very many people) has started a blog recently. I don't really understand blogs. I kinda think there tend to be only two kinds: Those that bitch and those that preach. Those that bitch will whine about any and everything, and those that preach just don't say much I want to read. Anyways, Macey and Elizabeth both started blogs, and theirs are fucking awesome, so I thought I'd start one too. The only problem with me blogging is I generally don't have much to say, and what I write about my feelings I consider HIGHLY personal. It's just strange and new I guess, my thoughts are my own, sharing them will be weird.

I am not good at introductions / about me things, or really writing in general, for that matter, but I can try. I'm Cameron. I just turned nineteen. I go to the University of North Texas, mainly because I didn't know what else to do, so I ended up there. My roommate Brad is my best friend. I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do with my life. I am extremely awkward socially, and I generally suck at relationships. I don't think I've ever been in love, and I know I've never told a girl I've loved her. A lot of things annoy me, and people tend to see me as depressed. I'm told that I'm good looking, and it's not that I think that I'm ugly, but I don't like how I look at all. I can be a smart-ass, and I usually use correct spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I like to write, but I doubt that much of my own work will get published on this blog. I used to write poetry and stories, and I just started painting. For some reason I'm really good at math, but it's not something I'm proud of. I think way too much, and over-analyze everything. There are a million things on my mind, and I'm sick of always thinking about some of them. I don't know what I want.