Unmoving Like a Boulder

"oderint dum metuant"

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
-Epicurus 341–270 B.C.

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”
-Oscar Wilde

When President John F. Kennedy welcomed 49 Nobel Prize winners to the White House in 1962 he said, “I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent and of human knowledge that has ever been gathered together at the White House – with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”

“(480): I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she’s worth a shot.”

“(978): you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with.”

“(971): So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him “very carefully”

“(631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies”

“(647): Get out of your relationship and into my pants.”

“(360): You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be Swedish since she works there.”

“(847): Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.”

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.”
-Ernest Hemingway

“There is no friend as loyal as a book.”
-Ernest Hemingway

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?”
-Ernest Hemingway

Spiders

Our internet sucks donkey cock at UNT. Also, it sounds like there is a tank rolling around outside almost all day. Why the fuck do we need a new football stadium? We don't even have a legitimate football team. Baffling.

The insomnia is back. The thoughts, not so good anymore. I was doing so well. What's happening?

I'm still working on a good post. And by working I mean staring at it because I can't sleep. And by staring at it I mean opening it, then wondering why our internet sucks so hard. And by wondering why our internet sucks so hard, I mean I get frustrated and go lay down. And by go lay down I mean I stare at the ceiling. Stupid insomnia. If you made it all the way through that paragraph, you might be my best friend.

Anger

My heart is beating harder,
It begs me to tear it out of my chest.
As the fiery blood races through my veins,
Burning each extremity with the fire of a thousand needles.
The pain is unbearable,
The hatred consumes.
As I try to be still and accept my fate.
But the beauty is calming –
I’m oddly at peace.
Although hopeless and angry and sad.
And I watch the beauty,
And I am the fire,
And they said the fire burned the beauty in our eyes.
And the hatred calms.
The rage subsides.
I’m just fucking pathetic.
I cannot stop.
I am doomed.
The pain returns,
I can endure more.
The hatred is gone.
I am alone,
I am afraid,
I am unwanted.

This is how it is meant to be.

Fifty-fifty

"Never believe in hope. Rely on it."

So, what's wrong with twice as many choices? That's four times as likely to fuck up. Let me get all crazy and confusing here for a second. One is tangible, but the other is only a hint and whisper. I'd rather take the hinted whisper, but that means sacrificing the tangible forever this time. But then right there I've just said that taking one would be settling, because I'd prefer the faint whisper. How bad would I feel if I gave up one and then lost the other? I'll tell you. I hate going 0 for 2. But that's what it sounds like. Again.

Anyways, sometimes life sucks. The memories are horrid now. Such shit. I can't think about anyone else, though. The closeness I felt, I can't imagine feeling it again. I look at a girl, and I see me holding her, but I can't see why. And how could it ever be that someone would feel close to me? I can't imagine. It's depressing to think about. I'm destined to be alone, unless I get exceptionally lucky. And remember what I've said before about emotional reactions to unpredictable futures. What a fucking Catch 22.

I need something to get my mind off my life. A game, a book, a sport, whatever. As long as there's no room for me to think about my situation. So terrible, but that's all that's left in my memories of how it used to be. And it used to be acceptable.

Time

"There's the funny thing about time... The problem is it's just too chronological."

Back when I went to church, one of the pastors said that. He looked exactly like Chandler from Friends. He was the only one I ever respected there. If time travel were possible, but you could only go back and fix one thing one time, and you had to live with the result no matter what, would you? And what would you change? It might suprise you if you think long enough. You might not want to risk a bad outcome, so you avoid ever entering the situation in the first place. Think about that. Rather than fix or fuck up one thing, you'd rather have never known a whole person. I probably would, wouldn't you? You'd throw away all the good things to live without the mistakes. Now what if I said you'd lose your memory during the time travel? What if I said that you wouldn't recognize anything that you'd already done before? I'd bet a billion dollars you'd repeat the exact same mistakes again. Maybe we have time traveled, but we'd never know it. Makes me question, do you believe in fate?

Nemesis

I feel sick to my stomach. I didn't do anything. Notice, that's not "I didn't do anything wrong" or "I only did what was best." I didn't do anything. And I am hated. Is there ever a way to prove my innocence? No, and I don't care. I'll take hated. It's better than hurting. It's better than unloved. I was feeling pretty good with everything until this morning. I had forgotten about those emails. My phone doesn't get pictures, you see. So when I opened those emails the memories came rushing back at me like a freight train. The memories - shit - the memories. Mostly images. And words without voices. I cannot recall what the voices sounded like, but I could tell you exactly what they said. I hate the voices, the voices only hurt. I remember the "good" times. I remember the bad times. I think, and as I remember, my bias melts away, and I'm wondering what the fuck I was doing for almost a year. I don't know. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it, but I sure as fuck am glad I don't have to put up with it.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

Tired

I am confused. I am exhausted. I am lost.

We had a basketball game last night. Didn't know about it until shortly before, but I had already broken out a new bottle of Skyy. Trying to play after drinking doesn't really work. I didn't play terrible, but (not to sound conceited) without me as a threat, no one else could really get open. We lost by thirty. I don't even want to talk about it. We have to play again on Wednesday, and if it goes anything like the last one, I may quit. No one else is even trying. Brad does, but he's lost his shooting. The other guys won't listen when Brad or I coach them, and we're the only ones who have ever played before. It's a little aggravating.

Been a little carefree lately. It's improved some things. I still worry though. And get frustrated. And fret. I think it's getting better, but "I'm still depressed as hell by all the goddam phonies in the world." That's my Holden Caulfield. Reread 'Catcher in the Rye' (obviously, maybe), which I hadn't read since eighth grade. I don't think I understood it at all back then. I'm definitely the Holden Caulfield type, I hate to admit. At least at the end he recognizes he misses people. I just seem to ruin things.

Had two tests today. One I was ready for, one I was not. Math is ridiculously simple, I only had trouble with one problem, but I'm pretty good at lucky guessing and coming up with the right answer. Due to that, I was able to work my way backwards and figure out how to do it the right way. Oh well. It was slightly satisfying. Biology is not my friend. I'm not understanding it, mostly because I genuinely don't care. If it works inside the body, it works. I can't see it, but obviously I'm alive, so who gives two fucks WHY I am?

Contemplated some strange things in geography for some reason today. Found something happy to distract me for a while. But mostly, I'm just as exhausted as hell. Can't hardly think straight. Oh, before we went to practice basketball tonight, Brad and I put another sign on some dude's door. This one said 'Fudgepacking Convention, please RSVP for the party here with four knocks - Bring your own nuts.' I got a kick out of that.

Basically, I don't know what I'm saying, I was just writing to write. Not so bad, eh? Ha. I wasn't expecting to write more than one sentence. I'm feeling quite alone, but I'm still not going to talk to anyone. Shit, I really am Holden Caulfield. I should change that somehow. I'm off to bed, I think, even though I slept all day. I don't know what's wrong with me. One minute I can't ever sleep, and the next it's all I do.

I dream of a trip to Chernobyl, and Moscow, and a backpacking adventure in the Urals to see the Auroras. Then perhaps a nice train ride to London if I survive to settle down for a while. That would be a cool place to live. Just go with the flow for a bit. I could give up on the world, Henry David Thoreau style. It would be nice. I hope in a few years I'll be more able to do it.