disappointment.

We always seem to end up right where we started. It's ridiculous, I know you'd agree. I remember saying many things several months ago about how I felt, and for this whole year I've thought about how ridiculous and stupid what I said was. I was just wanting her back. We lived so far away, we both knew it would never work, but for a brief while, when we were together, it was pretty excellent. I would call it the closest I've ever been to bliss. Just holding her was unbelievable, and she would hold me back. Imagine the difference between a blizzard and a day in November. Warmth. Warmth is the difference. The warmth is what I felt. We made each other feel good. But we did know that it was only for so long. It wasn't our choice, but perhaps it was for the better good. After some failures three years later, I was convinced that it had been as good as it was ever going to get already. I wanted the past back with all my heart. Then, I tried my best to buck up and get over myself, so I took a few girls out. This was around December of last year. They may have cared, they may not have, who cares. Fuck them. This is where the beast started taking hold. None of the people I met ever felt right, and those who were close had an absolutely overbearing flaw to them. And not one of the kinds that eventually you grow to like, the kinds that are in their way, not mine. I was told each and every time that I am "a great guy", and all that shit, ultimately still a rejection anyways. I got so sick of hearing that, and from people who I didn't need at all anyways. Whatever, who cares. That is, until I snapped. One too many times, I was too sick of it. You can only sink so low. So tired of trying. I had done too much. I gave up; something I had never fathomed I would even contemplate. I gave completely up. Nec Spe, Nec Metu. I had no fear, because I had no hope. Hopelessness is a really fucking depressing thing. Fortunately, it seemed to be just what I needed, because I started feeling slightly better. I did not care. Period. At all. I could not have given a shit about anyone or anything anywhere. It began to reflect in myself. Not caring felt genuinely good. I came off as a cold-hearted asshole to most people, but I never was exactly nice, and I kinda was cold-hearted. Ha. But then something happened to crush my work and change my view again. For the first time ever, I was wanted first. None of this, 'you text me first' or this 'but you have to ask me out' shit, it was just plain and simple. But now, I feel in the same place as I always end up, yearning for the one good time I've ever had. I know there will be better, but I'm still not likely to actually believe that... I don't actually want the good time back either, I know how much I learned from it. I don't want it, but it sure seems like I do. I don't know what I actually want, just like I don't know how I actually feel. Sandi's right about feelings and the rest of the world, but I already knew that. My problem with what she said is that I don't know how I actually feel anymore. Numb, I guess? One of my favorite brain quotes (who am I kidding, there are only like, two, so this might as well be the only one and thereby my favorite) is that "Experts have figured out that the brain has no ability to actually predict your emotional reaction to life changes that haven't happened yet. In other words, you physically do not know what you want. The act of sitting around pondering it is apparently what fucks you up." That said, I don't know what to do. I forgot where I was going with this whole thing (memory loss is the worst). Anyway, I don't care. At least, I don't think I do. I mean, I know I do, but I don't care at all? Fuck. I just confused myself. How about I recognize that I shouldn't care? Who cares, whatever. Haha, ironic. I am lost and I am scared, and so are you. And if you're not scared, you're not understanding what I'm saying. And if you're not lost, then you're even more naive than I am. Anger is overtaking me now, so I guess I do care after all, but I shouldn't. I don't want to.

Nec Spe, Nec Metu