Well Fuck

Looks like it's time once again to take up solitary, time consuming activities. Shame.

A guy with an afro sat down in front of me in history today, so I read my book instead of listening.

Fable III comes out tomorrow. I am excited. I think Emily has me wrong. Or I could be overanalyzing it. Whatever. I haven't needed friends before, why should I start making them now, right? Laura is positively the greatest. Between Entourage, Arrested Development, House, Futurama, and everything else... we have more inside jokes than words. Dustin and I have before communicated in nothing but obscure references, and she felt left out. So we've been carefully indoctrinating her. I must say, not only is there unbelievable drive, but there's progress. South Park starts tomorrow. I hope they don't go all 'college kid' on us. The best episodes are the politically driven ones. But I digress. Laura and I have started a very subtle rating system, combined with a few short lists. It's excellent fun.

*EDIT* Fable III has just been pushed back to October 26. Fuck.

Sorry

You have a right to know, but I don't think I'll ever tell you. I really liked you. From the moment I saw you. And what the others in class said about you made me feel so good. I was ecstatic when you seemed to be who they thought you were. Too good to be true? Indeed. I soured because I found out I couldn't have you. It's not fair to you, but that's the truth. I'm trying hard to be good. I'm just jealous because they were spot-on about how you acted - still act - around me. I can see that there would have been something very nice there, but I can understand that it's not about that.

About Me

I have decided I form opinions ridiculously fast, and almost always they come off as my firm view on the matter. This is a beautiful thing, because while I'm quick to form an opinion, and I could debate anything in my favor until the Earth ends,* I never believe I'm totally correct. I may believe some ideas I have are correct, but I'm always open to people persuading me of their opinion. People tend to get discouraged, and take my views at face value, then give up. But some are adamant and possess a keen logic behind their words. Congratulations are in order for them - as long as they speak on a reasonably intelligent level I'm listening, always wanting to be wrong.

*which will be never if I'm too busy debating to make it happen

My opinions of people are even worse. I instantly judge people in the harshest, most extreme way possible. But of course I'm always ready to be persuaded into changing my mind. Of course occasionally I judge people to be alright. These people always have the chance to prove me wrong as well, but they rarely get a third bite at the pie.

I have almost no morals. If something needs to be accomplished, I feel like it should be done quickly and efficiently, with little regard to anything else. I'm not going to win any prizes for compassion this way, but I wasn't going to do that anyways. Seldom times I find I despise myself for being amoral, but it's usually justifiable. Probably shouldn't ponder that too often though.

What I've found through all of this is that I observe people remarkably well - much better than even I had imagined. I read people all around me, and I learn things I didn't know I knew. With alarming regularity I can predict what people are going to do, and use it against them. Also, I've become a master of changing tack. Anyone who starts to gain any ground on me is immediately stonewalled by my reversal of strategy. They could be pressing a topic for the victory blow, but right before they can deliver, I've undermined their argument and forced them to re-evaluate. Most people have learned to give up, I'll admit it would be tiring to debate me, I think it's tiring debating others, and I almost always end up winning (or at least not losing).

Anyways, I'm intensely glad I've learned these things without trying.

Some other things to mention:

Game theory is awesome. I'm working on a way to 'cheat' the system.

Fascism. Authoritarian-Autocratic rule. That's how the world should be.

I'm keeping a secret. I think I'm a positive force in someone's life, but I don't want to reveal myself. Complimentary behavior isn't my style. I'm definitely more of the I win-you-lose zero-sum realist type.

Honor is very important to me. I want to win, yes, and I know I said I place little if any value in morals, but I want to win in a very fair way. Underhanded is a perfectly good strategy (All war is based on deception. -Sun Tzu), provided that the other actor can engage in covert operations as well. Also, there is no honor to be gained from cheating, so it should be used as a last resort. When exercising victory after an underhanded assault, one must tread extremely lightly, and never dishonor the enemy.

I think the reason I make bad grades has finally been revealed to me. I was sitting in Russian, knowing all the answers, frustrated with how difficult it was becoming for me not to get up and yell at the class how easy everything was. For three weeks, I've resisted being the teacher's pet, but still turned in all homework and assignments on time and without error. Until last week. Last week I only went to class once, and put zero effort into even that. Thus, an epiphany dawned on me: "When I start to get good at something, anything, I intentionally do something to hinder my progress - until I fall back into the pack of the average." It's like I know I can succeed, but I don't want to be any better than anyone else, for fear of sticking out. I mean, I know this is highly beneficial in a work-related sense, but why can I not just excel and be proud of accomplishing something?

This wasn't really an about me, but it's definitely good to write out what I've been thinking over and over. I think this is something I should continue to do - if only so I can remember myself. Anything anyone wants to add? I love reading people's opinions, even if it is for the wrong reasons. But I promise to be nice. In fact, I just won't say anything mean about what you think, and you can have my word on that.

A Reminder I No Longer Need

Get used to people not loving you, but remember you're worth loving.
Get used to people not dating you, but know you're worth dating.
Get used to people not calling you, but remember you're worth calling.
Get used to people not listening to you, but know you're worth hearing.
Get used to not being invited, but know you're worth inviting.
Get used to people not hiring you, while knowing you're worth hiring.
Give people permission not to sit next to you, while knowing you're worth sitting next to.
Get used to not being friends, but remember you're worth befriending.
Get used to being excluded, while knowing you're worth including.
Give people permission not to appreciate you, while knowing you're worthy of appreciation.
Give the world permission not to desire you, while knowing you're desirable.
Get used to not being loved, and give people permission not to love you, but never forget you're worth loving.

Yes, You

Fuck you. I don't care. Not anymore. Not at all.

Unoriginal Thoughts from my Own Brain

A realization I had a while ago that was oddly comforting:
The intangibility of knowing what it will look like, ever, and not knowing what you want (because apparently no one ever does) means to get it, you don't have to DO anything. It will find you, it will be natural, it will be easy, and it will be perfect.

However, I take no solace in the fact that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, because, as of now, I am sporting a quite perfect nineteen in a row record.

I was serious about saving you from the Cotton King and his communist regime. Don't doubt that. I wish you would have let me. You have no idea how good it would have been.